I used to get offended when people used the word “crazy” when referring to someone’s actions; in other words their actions were comparable to an insane person’s. My response was always the same, anger and frustration at their insensitivity, even if they weren’t referring to me, it still hurt, particularly if they knew of my diagnosis. And it was always someone close to me, a family member or a friend. In a heated discussion once, someone said “At least I’m not the one who is clinically insane,” referring to my Bipolar I diagnosis.
That stung like a blunted knife to the chest. She knew everything I had been through and continue to endure on a daily basis, yet she felt it necessary to conclude an argument in that way.
These days I am much more apt to walk away and stay away from people who aim to hurt me with their judgments. It has caused me great pain to stay away from my family, but it keeps me sane. And it’s not only family, but friends as well, who would rather judge, than listen to anyone else’s voice but their own.
I once read in a psychology article that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. Well, in that case, I could name tons of people in my life who are insane, and I’m not one of them!
This article may seem like rambling thoughts to you as you read, and it is a little, but it’s just that I’m in that kind of mood lately, you know, the kind where you wish you could be anywhere except here. Yet, you know that if you were ever to leave, you would want to come back immediately.
Last week I was sick with Laryngitis and lost my voice completely for a good three days. A woman at my daughter’s preschool asked me if it was a relief to not have to talk. I thought it was an odd question at first, but the more I thought about it, it made sense. Yeah, it was a relief to not talk, and rather listen, be the audience for once, not the orator. It made me more conscious of the need to listen, fully. I always hate it when I try to have a conversation with someone and they always cut you off because they think they know what you are going to say. And guess what? I used to do that, too. So, I have made conscious efforts to listen to people, because everyone has something valuable to say, even if they’re not saying it. The most important details of someone’s life are the ones they don’t say, but rather show through their actions. You can tell a lot from someone by what they do, instead of what they say.
Okay, this is where I end my rambling. Like I said, I am in one of those moods, and writing helps me see the clarity. I could tweet all this, but it would take too many tweets and I am sure I would lose followers. LOL. Thank you for reading and enduring. Keep on keeping on.
About Olivia: I consider myself to be a Bipolar Survivor; a woman who was diagnosed with Bipolar I at age 20 after a manic episode, which was in all aspects, a textbook manic episode. I continue to struggle with mood swings, but now, nine years later, I have the upper hand! Take that mental illness! I am a mother of two funny little girls, a wife, an educator, but above all, an honest person looking to share my story so others may learn a little something, and possibly even laugh.